Falling...it hurts

Today I nearly fell down these steps.  It was not because I tripped over the dog (I just put him there because I hear animals make people pay attention...)

Cute, isn't he?

I nearly fell because:


1.  I am clumsy.  Naturally.  It's a gift.
2.  I was not paying attention.
3.  I am clumsy (did I mention that?).


Heart pounding, I grabbed the railing and saved myself from a skinned knee and a rip in my new Toms...whew.   

The Toms...still looking good!

And it got me thinking.  Sin is always lurking about. In my head, in my heart...it's there.  Yeah, there's the media and the world and all that, but the main problem I have is me.  I'm incredibly distracted and self-absorbed and sometimes my conscience is easy to quench.  Because I don't always want what's right.  


But when I fall, I get hurt.  And hurt others.  


This near miss got me thinking.  That I want to hate sin the way I hate falling down my stairs...and that I want to avoid it at all costs.  Because if I fall, more than the Toms that are going get wrecked.

Still reading?  Here's the dog again...His name is Jack.

So here's the deal, "I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified." 1 Corinthians 9:27 NASB

Because I don't want to miss out.  I don't want my husband to miss out. I don't want my kids to miss out.  I don't want anyone to miss out because of my bad choices.  And by miss out, I mean miss Jesus because I was selfish.  And I thought wrecking myself was worth it.  If it's not worth my shoes, it's definitely not worth a life.  

Grace and peace...A.

Resurrection

I turned off my phone. Logged out, logged off.  Determined to stand alone, before God.  Without sharing before hearing and receiving what He has for me.  In this day.  Moment.  Time.


Resurrection. Death.  This is a week of meditation. Without that great gift...I would be...nothing.  I was...nothing.  


Before Him, there was nothing.  I was nobody.  And knew it.  My brokenness was all consuming.  My words were all hatred.  All anger.  And I was at the end.  Death overcame my heart and mind.    Agony inside. Turned to anguish without.  Destruction of relationship. Denial of love.  


I am sure that if He had not intervened, I would not be alive today.  The constant pain of life would have caused me to take mine in search of freedom.


Freedom came.  The day I walked forward.  I didn't understand what was happening.  But when the pastor said come, I went.  I had to.  And the tears and the renewal were the beginning.  Pride didn't understand that this was no re-dedication.  This was re-birth.


Time taught me.  The word of God has healed me, body, mind and soul.  And in joy and peace I live in this resurrected soul.


"My old self has been crucified with Christ.  It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me.  So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." Galations 2:20 NLT

Grass......

These are cows.  They graze in the pasture across the street from my grocery store.  (The meat in that store is really...fresh, if you know what I mean!)  The little calf on the right side, away from the herd, was right by the fence, little head stuck through the barbed wire, eating grass on--you guessed it--the other side.


It was hanging out with three other little calves, them being friends and all, and just munching away.  When the big, scary human with the cell phone camera (that's why the pic is so grainy) came up, they all squeaked (I had no idea cows could do that, but they did) and ran off to mommy.  


Whew!  All that to say, what I was hoping to capture was a pic of a cow eating grass on the other side of the fence.  Because we all know that grass is yummier. I mean, it's just green and juicy and delicious. Nothing like that wiry, brown stuff  that little calf usually has to eat.  


I was realizing today that I've bought into a lie.  That I feel like the grass is greener...elsewhere.  The where I often see in movies and tv.  You know, where money is mysteriously unlimited, and the residents of really beautiful and hip homes wear amazing clothing and live on lattes that they drink all day long with their friends at designer coffee bars.  


Now, I have to admit that at one point my life, in a very small way, resembled that.  I was able to buy clothing when I wanted it and hang out until midnight with my friends at coffee shops. It seemed that there was always someone to hang out with and something to do.  


But that was before I got married.  And worked full time.  And had 2 babies.  And now my husband works more than full time, I work full time at home to feed my food allergic family, and homeschool my kids.  I can't afford the clothes or the coffee, and after changing countries and states, I don't have the friends to hang out with even if I could.


And sometimes, as I grump my way through a day feeling sorry for myself as I wash, launder, fix and mend, I wish I was that person again.  With the time and the cash and the friends.


I've bought a lie.  That life wasn't better.  I was stressed.  I was immature.  I wasn't helping, serving or loving anyone other than myself.  


"When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things." (1 Corinthians 13:11) 


I used to be a child.  Now I am a woman.  It's time to put that away, pick up maturity and live with joy the life laid out before me.  

Rise up from your grave...

Anger.  Bitterness.  Jealousy.  Depression.  Fear.  Addiction. Hate.  


What's your grave?  What poison is destroying your heart, your mind, your soul?  


Be free.  Be whole.  Be complete. 


This song was new to me a couple of months ago.  It set my dry heart on fire.




Fear.  Hatred. Jealousy.  Anger.  These things rose up in my heart tonight.  I encountered something that I cannot change.  And these were the only weapons at hand.


Jesus.  was crucified. by fear. hatred. jealousy. anger.  and He broke the cycle.  He finished it.  He is taking me out of this grave...if I allow Him.  He will heal.  He will make new.  And I will be free.

The battle...

This fuzzy, blue picture shows my Pilates mat.  We have begun bonding in this new year, it supporting my back with a layer of softness as I manipulate my way through some Pilates moves in the hopes of still being able to tie my own shoes when I'm 90.  Yes, it's on.  





Oh, and did I mention that I've also cut back on complaining, amped up on the prayer and time in the Word side of my life, and declared zero-tolerance on procrastination.  Which is unfortunate, because I'm really good at procrastinating.  And now I'll have to find something else to be good at.  Like blogging.  Or finishing up all the Christmas cookies left in the house.  But that might make the Pilates harder.


I have a favorite quotation from Lloyd Alexander that challenges me every time I recall it. "For each of us comes a time when we must be more than what we are." A new year brings that idea to the surface and I have grabbed it, and am reluctant to let it go.  I want to be more than what I am, that I may serve more fully the God who made me. 


My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20 NLT  Amen.

Going to the dump...

Where I live, it's country.  Not 100 miles from anywhere country.  But country enough that the mail person uses their personal car for delivery.  And enough that I can either pay someone to come get my trash, or take it to the dump myself.

As we have a tight budget, pass the dump on the way to town, and only have a bag of garbage about once a week, we opt for doing it ourselves.

I have a little loop through our town I like to take.  Hit the library.  Hit the post office.  Hit the dump.  Go to the "city." So the other day the kids and I started off...library, check.  Post office, check.  City...check.  

Wait a minute...I forgot the dump.  When I parked at Costco, I remembered it.  My little thermometer in my car said 100 degrees.  

I think that was the fastest Costco trip I ever made.  And even so, did my car ever stink! 

Sin...it's like that.  You're doing what you should, but all the while you're toting around some nasty junk.  And it's either got to go, or it's going to ruin your life.

Jesus died to take it.  All you need to do is head on over to the cross, drop to your knees and ask Him.  

P.S.  I did eventually get that garbage to the dump.  And I think it took about a week for my car to totally air out!

Unleashed...for real

"Unleashed by Garo" is a little show I found on Hulu.  I'm sure it's on some network somewhere, but I'm don't really watch things when they come on...  Anyhow, Garo is going to unleash the "true person" through his couture design.  


I'm watching him talk to the woman in question; noting the fear and discouragement in her eyes.  I mean, I feel a bit fearful every time I walk past the makeup counters in the mall, hoping they won't notice that I forgot to mascara both eyes that day because one of the kids decided to color on the walls and I got distracted.  How much more intimidating must it be to meet with someone who designs high fashion clothing for models and celebrities   


Anyhow, he promises to unleash the true woman.  With some color changes, with a bit of corseting, with a trip to the hairdresser, makeup artist, nail salon and of course, the pièce de résistance, the new dress, her true self will be revealed.


But what happens after the big reveal?  Once the dress is carefully removed and placed in the closed, the corset is removed so the love handles can once again hang, the makeup and the rest are washed off in the shower?  Has she been lost?  Is she once again a being hidden in a brown sweater and jeans, unable to shine?


Lovely clothing does make us feel lovely and perhaps outgoing for a time.  And every time I've had a makeover, the folks doing it have been so loving and complimentary, that I felt beautiful and not self-conscious at all.  But none of that lasts. The clothing wears out.  The makeup washes off.  And there I am, back with me...again.


One thing revealed my true inner self.  One moment in my life changed me.  And it had nothing to do with how I looked...because that never changed.  That moment...it was when I realized who I was to God.  And I accepted that.  And I surrendered to Him.  And He filled me.  


My anger was erased by his love.  My shyness overwhelmed by His beauty.  My suicidal thoughts overcome by His healing grace and mercy.  I was a new creation, in one second.  


And that change is eternal.