Time...

The soft start continues.  And with it, I begin to ponder my use of time.  A resource I always need more of.  I read this amazing quote today: "Time is at once the most valuable and most perishable of all our possessions."  

My time is perishing. 2012 is nearly gone.  Much remains undone that I had planned to do.  And much is left to do...like Christmas Cards.  I am terrible at cards.  I will get as far as writing and addressing them, and then leave them, stampless, on my desk.

I read this today too: In January 2012, humanity spent 10.5 billion (BILLION!) minutes per DAY on Facebook.  In one month, that adds up to over 887 thousand years!!!  

I was definitely part of that quota.

I have a large pile of laundry at my feet.  I really should fold it.  I have papers that have need filing.  Hamster cages to clean.  Muffins to bake.  And that's just the prose of my life.

There is more I need to do.  There is more I want to do.  Ideas.  Dreams. Visions.  Lying dormant in the busy idleness I call my daily life. In the new year, I want to take hold of time. I want to manage it.  Make it my tool...not my nemesis.  

I'm 36 this year.  37 the next.  These years don't makes sense to me, and most people still think I'm in my 20s...maybe that softens the blow of my literal age a bit...but panic sneaks in the cracks and crevices.

Time is running out, and I have more to do.  So today, even for a moment, I'm grabbing the time.  I'm learning to keep on, no matter the state of floors, laundry and bathrooms.  I'm learning to let go, and move forward, even if some dishes stay unwashed today.  

Because dreams and vision need hands and feet to make them reality.  So, today, here and there, I'm lending them mine.  



   

Soft Launch

The whirl of the holidays has begun.  Christmas lights fill my house with soft radiance,  lighting ornaments on my tree.  The Crèche, sits on top of a shelf, waiting for a baby king.  The children are busy, making presents, learning Christmas songs and lore, asking "Is this it?  Is today Christmas?"

This is the first year that setting up for Christmas has depressed me.  Usually I am gently meditating on the greatness of The Birth, rejoicing in the lights, the music, the mood, everything that makes this season magical.    

But now the lights seem to illuminate shadows in my soul.  The ornaments reflect thoughts ignored.  

For me, this year is ending too soon.  Somehow there were less days, less hours, than I anticipated.  

Somehow I wasted more time than I intended.

The loss of the possible; That is what I am mourning.

Over our morning coffee, my husband told me about the idea of a soft launch for racing.  I'm sure there's another technical term for it, but basically it's a running race where the runners begin early.  No blocks.  They start at an earlier point, and by they time they cross the starting line, they are full throttle.  Times for races that begin this way are often faster than times out of the blocks.

"Why don't we make a soft launch for our New Year's resolutions?" he said.  

Yes.  A Soft Launch.  Resolutions that begin now, in the season of decline...and are perhaps full force by the time of new beginnings. That's just what I need.

So I'm beginning my resolution keeping today, December 1.  And brushing a few cobwebs off my soul in the process.  

Will you try it out too?

Falling...it hurts

Today I nearly fell down these steps.  It was not because I tripped over the dog (I just put him there because I hear animals make people pay attention...)

Cute, isn't he?

I nearly fell because:


1.  I am clumsy.  Naturally.  It's a gift.
2.  I was not paying attention.
3.  I am clumsy (did I mention that?).


Heart pounding, I grabbed the railing and saved myself from a skinned knee and a rip in my new Toms...whew.   

The Toms...still looking good!

And it got me thinking.  Sin is always lurking about. In my head, in my heart...it's there.  Yeah, there's the media and the world and all that, but the main problem I have is me.  I'm incredibly distracted and self-absorbed and sometimes my conscience is easy to quench.  Because I don't always want what's right.  


But when I fall, I get hurt.  And hurt others.  


This near miss got me thinking.  That I want to hate sin the way I hate falling down my stairs...and that I want to avoid it at all costs.  Because if I fall, more than the Toms that are going get wrecked.

Still reading?  Here's the dog again...His name is Jack.

So here's the deal, "I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified." 1 Corinthians 9:27 NASB

Because I don't want to miss out.  I don't want my husband to miss out. I don't want my kids to miss out.  I don't want anyone to miss out because of my bad choices.  And by miss out, I mean miss Jesus because I was selfish.  And I thought wrecking myself was worth it.  If it's not worth my shoes, it's definitely not worth a life.  

Grace and peace...A.

Resurrection

I turned off my phone. Logged out, logged off.  Determined to stand alone, before God.  Without sharing before hearing and receiving what He has for me.  In this day.  Moment.  Time.


Resurrection. Death.  This is a week of meditation. Without that great gift...I would be...nothing.  I was...nothing.  


Before Him, there was nothing.  I was nobody.  And knew it.  My brokenness was all consuming.  My words were all hatred.  All anger.  And I was at the end.  Death overcame my heart and mind.    Agony inside. Turned to anguish without.  Destruction of relationship. Denial of love.  


I am sure that if He had not intervened, I would not be alive today.  The constant pain of life would have caused me to take mine in search of freedom.


Freedom came.  The day I walked forward.  I didn't understand what was happening.  But when the pastor said come, I went.  I had to.  And the tears and the renewal were the beginning.  Pride didn't understand that this was no re-dedication.  This was re-birth.


Time taught me.  The word of God has healed me, body, mind and soul.  And in joy and peace I live in this resurrected soul.


"My old self has been crucified with Christ.  It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me.  So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." Galations 2:20 NLT

Grass......

These are cows.  They graze in the pasture across the street from my grocery store.  (The meat in that store is really...fresh, if you know what I mean!)  The little calf on the right side, away from the herd, was right by the fence, little head stuck through the barbed wire, eating grass on--you guessed it--the other side.


It was hanging out with three other little calves, them being friends and all, and just munching away.  When the big, scary human with the cell phone camera (that's why the pic is so grainy) came up, they all squeaked (I had no idea cows could do that, but they did) and ran off to mommy.  


Whew!  All that to say, what I was hoping to capture was a pic of a cow eating grass on the other side of the fence.  Because we all know that grass is yummier. I mean, it's just green and juicy and delicious. Nothing like that wiry, brown stuff  that little calf usually has to eat.  


I was realizing today that I've bought into a lie.  That I feel like the grass is greener...elsewhere.  The where I often see in movies and tv.  You know, where money is mysteriously unlimited, and the residents of really beautiful and hip homes wear amazing clothing and live on lattes that they drink all day long with their friends at designer coffee bars.  


Now, I have to admit that at one point my life, in a very small way, resembled that.  I was able to buy clothing when I wanted it and hang out until midnight with my friends at coffee shops. It seemed that there was always someone to hang out with and something to do.  


But that was before I got married.  And worked full time.  And had 2 babies.  And now my husband works more than full time, I work full time at home to feed my food allergic family, and homeschool my kids.  I can't afford the clothes or the coffee, and after changing countries and states, I don't have the friends to hang out with even if I could.


And sometimes, as I grump my way through a day feeling sorry for myself as I wash, launder, fix and mend, I wish I was that person again.  With the time and the cash and the friends.


I've bought a lie.  That life wasn't better.  I was stressed.  I was immature.  I wasn't helping, serving or loving anyone other than myself.  


"When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things." (1 Corinthians 13:11) 


I used to be a child.  Now I am a woman.  It's time to put that away, pick up maturity and live with joy the life laid out before me.  

Rise up from your grave...

Anger.  Bitterness.  Jealousy.  Depression.  Fear.  Addiction. Hate.  


What's your grave?  What poison is destroying your heart, your mind, your soul?  


Be free.  Be whole.  Be complete. 


This song was new to me a couple of months ago.  It set my dry heart on fire.




Fear.  Hatred. Jealousy.  Anger.  These things rose up in my heart tonight.  I encountered something that I cannot change.  And these were the only weapons at hand.


Jesus.  was crucified. by fear. hatred. jealousy. anger.  and He broke the cycle.  He finished it.  He is taking me out of this grave...if I allow Him.  He will heal.  He will make new.  And I will be free.

The battle...

This fuzzy, blue picture shows my Pilates mat.  We have begun bonding in this new year, it supporting my back with a layer of softness as I manipulate my way through some Pilates moves in the hopes of still being able to tie my own shoes when I'm 90.  Yes, it's on.  





Oh, and did I mention that I've also cut back on complaining, amped up on the prayer and time in the Word side of my life, and declared zero-tolerance on procrastination.  Which is unfortunate, because I'm really good at procrastinating.  And now I'll have to find something else to be good at.  Like blogging.  Or finishing up all the Christmas cookies left in the house.  But that might make the Pilates harder.


I have a favorite quotation from Lloyd Alexander that challenges me every time I recall it. "For each of us comes a time when we must be more than what we are." A new year brings that idea to the surface and I have grabbed it, and am reluctant to let it go.  I want to be more than what I am, that I may serve more fully the God who made me. 


My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20 NLT  Amen.